Alone, Yet Not Alone

Here's the song and a glance at the recording of it by Joni Eareckson Tada, "Alone, Yet Not Alone," which has been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Original Song from the movie, "Alone, Yet Not Alone."

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Identifying that Special Someone

In the last post, I talked about how important it is, when preparing for marriage, to BE the right one rather than just to find the right person. Here, then, is a follow-up question: what should you be looking for in a potential spouse? How do you know that he or she really is “the one”?

Look for someone, and definitely wait for someone, who shares your faith in Jesus Christ (1 Cor 7:39; 2 Cor 6:14). Marriage is hard enough even when you both desire to follow the Lord and obey his Word. Not being on the same page spiritually leads to all kinds of confusion and trouble with: time allocation, spending, values, leisure, parenting…

Look for someone helpful—who’s learned (or is learning) to serve and support and bless others. When you see him with his family, does he help out around the house? Does she expect to be waited upon?

Marry a hard worker. A man who doesn’t provide for his family is out of line (1 Tim 5:8). A godly woman works with eager hands (Prov 31:13).

Look for someone with good friends. Having healthy friendships means a person knows how to give and take, listen and share, offer and receive correction, and be a steady support—good “practice” for marriage.

Marry someone whose character you respect. Attraction is not enough.

Look for humility—someone eager to learn and willing to apologize (Phil 2:3). Watch out for the refrain, “That’s just the way I am.”

Look for someone who has positive relationships with his/her parents.

Marry someone who’s a careful, patient thinker. For example, someone who can see the grain of truth in a viewpoint they reject, or who avoids sweeping generalizations that toss the baby out with the bath water.

Look for a maturing Christian who’s committed to a church body and is actively serving, learning, caring, and spreading Christ’s love.

Don’t marry someone you hope will change later: they won’t change. And marriage will only accentuate what bothered you before the wedding.

Marry a stable person, steady under pressure. Is he all roller coaster, highs and lows? Do you never know what mood she’ll be in? Then slow down—the stability for marriage isn’t there yet.

And by all means, be patient about this decision: better to be single and wish you were married than married and wish you were single.

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BEING the Right Person

In the life-stage of transitioning into adulthood, the relationships we long for are found not so much by looking but by being.

Do you want good friendships? Then make it your aim, first and fore­most, not to search out good friends but BE a good friend. Do you want to meet Mr. or Miss Right? Then make it your aim, first and foremost, not to seek out that special someone but to BE that special someone.

Let me focus on marriage in particular. The mindset of being the man or woman God wants you to be today is a stance of faith. It means trusting the Lord to work on you, help you grow in spiritual depth and personal maturity, and lead you into greater holiness.

You say “holiness” isn’t on your marriage preparation checklist? That’s all the more reason you need to focus on being the right person more than finding your special someone. Ephesians 5:21-33 reveals a breath­taking design for Christian marriage in which husbands and wives die to themselves and live to love one another, and that requires spiritual depth and maturity. It’s a beautiful vision of married life, but that beauty never flowers and its joy is never known by immature, self-seeking spouses.

Being “the right one” is a goal that doesn’t impose a timetable on God. But the “gotta find someone” attitude is time-driven: it doesn’t consider that now may not be best and God may want you to wait. Maybe the Lord has a lot of refining to do in Mr./Miss Right’s life before it’s time for you two to meet—meeting today might be a disaster. Similarly, are you willing to look in the mirror and admit that that God has a lot of work to do?

Just to clarify, I’m not saying you should be utterly passive and never open your eyes to the people around you. My point is simply this: see today as God’s gift in which he aims to refine you and humble you and shape your soul in Christ-loving and Christ-like ways. Don’t assume you’re ready for marriage and it’s God’s job now to bring that special someone along. Assume, instead, that all delays are orchestrated by the Lord for good purposes (Gen 50:20; Rom 8:28), and that at the center of those purposes is sanctification—your growth in godliness. Your marriage will be SO much stronger and more joyful and satisfying if you trust God with time.

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"God meant it for good"

The breathtaking story of Job drives home the point that affliction is not necessarily a punishment for sin (1:1; see also John 9:1-3). Nor is it helpful to say that Satan caused the pain, since Job spoke correctly (1:22) in stating, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away…” (v 21).

Isaiah 53 prophesies of God’s Servant, the Substitute who would bear the guilt of sinners: “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all” (53:6). This, of course, anticipates the sacrificial death of the Son of God who “gave his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). Was Christ’s death the grim result of sin? Yes (Acts 3:15). Was it owing to the insidious schemes of Satan? Yes (Luke 22:3). But there’s more to say: at root, the cross was God’s doing. Isaiah 53:10, “Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer…” (so too Acts 2:23).

In both cases of extreme affliction, ultimately it’s God’s hand we see in action. Same with Joseph (the guy with the coat of many colors). His jealous brothers abused him and sold him as a slave, and he ended up wrongly imprisoned in Egypt for years—all undeserved. But God was up to something—God, the key Actor behind the scenes; God, the initiator of good plans even though they lead through dark valleys. The Lord maneuvered Joseph into an influential office in Egypt in order to save countless lives from a coming seven-year famine.

This good end is recognized by Joseph (eventually!). In Genesis 45:5-9 he says four times that it was God who sent him to Egypt. Now, of course he remembers how his nasty brothers had shipped him off with traders. But he’s looking beneath the surface: who was really at work in all those years of pain? It was God. Same in 50:20, where Joseph says to his penitent brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” All that misery he’d gone through was intended by God to take place and (of course) lead eventually to God’s good goals.

There’s no shortage of pain and trauma to go around today, what with economic turmoil, crime, family breakdown, disease… The Lord is stretching our faith: are you willing to trust him to weave a beautiful fabric, in his time and in his way, even when it includes the black strands of your pain and suffering? Are you willing to let God be God, and to leave it to him to put things right in time or eternity?

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