Identifying that Special Someone

In the last post, I talked about how important it is, when preparing for marriage, to BE the right one rather than just to find the right person. Here, then, is a follow-up question: what should you be looking for in a potential spouse? How do you know that he or she really is “the one”?

Look for someone, and definitely wait for someone, who shares your faith in Jesus Christ (1 Cor 7:39; 2 Cor 6:14). Marriage is hard enough even when you both desire to follow the Lord and obey his Word. Not being on the same page spiritually leads to all kinds of confusion and trouble with: time allocation, spending, values, leisure, parenting…

Look for someone helpful—who’s learned (or is learning) to serve and support and bless others. When you see him with his family, does he help out around the house? Does she expect to be waited upon?

Marry a hard worker. A man who doesn’t provide for his family is out of line (1 Tim 5:8). A godly woman works with eager hands (Prov 31:13).

Look for someone with good friends. Having healthy friendships means a person knows how to give and take, listen and share, offer and receive correction, and be a steady support—good “practice” for marriage.

Marry someone whose character you respect. Attraction is not enough.

Look for humility—someone eager to learn and willing to apologize (Phil 2:3). Watch out for the refrain, “That’s just the way I am.”

Look for someone who has positive relationships with his/her parents.

Marry someone who’s a careful, patient thinker. For example, someone who can see the grain of truth in a viewpoint they reject, or who avoids sweeping generalizations that toss the baby out with the bath water.

Look for a maturing Christian who’s committed to a church body and is actively serving, learning, caring, and spreading Christ’s love.

Don’t marry someone you hope will change later: they won’t change. And marriage will only accentuate what bothered you before the wedding.

Marry a stable person, steady under pressure. Is he all roller coaster, highs and lows? Do you never know what mood she’ll be in? Then slow down—the stability for marriage isn’t there yet.

And by all means, be patient about this decision: better to be single and wish you were married than married and wish you were single.

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BEING the Right Person

In the life-stage of transitioning into adulthood, the relationships we long for are found not so much by looking but by being.

Do you want good friendships? Then make it your aim, first and fore­most, not to search out good friends but BE a good friend. Do you want to meet Mr. or Miss Right? Then make it your aim, first and foremost, not to seek out that special someone but to BE that special someone.

Let me focus on marriage in particular. The mindset of being the man or woman God wants you to be today is a stance of faith. It means trusting the Lord to work on you, help you grow in spiritual depth and personal maturity, and lead you into greater holiness.

You say “holiness” isn’t on your marriage preparation checklist? That’s all the more reason you need to focus on being the right person more than finding your special someone. Ephesians 5:21-33 reveals a breath­taking design for Christian marriage in which husbands and wives die to themselves and live to love one another, and that requires spiritual depth and maturity. It’s a beautiful vision of married life, but that beauty never flowers and its joy is never known by immature, self-seeking spouses.

Being “the right one” is a goal that doesn’t impose a timetable on God. But the “gotta find someone” attitude is time-driven: it doesn’t consider that now may not be best and God may want you to wait. Maybe the Lord has a lot of refining to do in Mr./Miss Right’s life before it’s time for you two to meet—meeting today might be a disaster. Similarly, are you willing to look in the mirror and admit that that God has a lot of work to do?

Just to clarify, I’m not saying you should be utterly passive and never open your eyes to the people around you. My point is simply this: see today as God’s gift in which he aims to refine you and humble you and shape your soul in Christ-loving and Christ-like ways. Don’t assume you’re ready for marriage and it’s God’s job now to bring that special someone along. Assume, instead, that all delays are orchestrated by the Lord for good purposes (Gen 50:20; Rom 8:28), and that at the center of those purposes is sanctification—your growth in godliness. Your marriage will be SO much stronger and more joyful and satisfying if you trust God with time.

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